this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
