just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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