Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
