; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
