It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
