I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
