grandma shit on top of the toilet
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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