shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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