apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
