she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He has the fingertips of a God
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