R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm too high and old for this...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
