Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
