yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
