I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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