If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
