I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize