I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
