she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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