According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
