i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
