I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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