the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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