Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
