how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
People in love make me want to vomit
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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