I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize