textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
