i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
