dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
