I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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