I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize