I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
