His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
