my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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