where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
