im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
