susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize