yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's rum buckets o'clock
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
