he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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