i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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