I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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