i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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