i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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