It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
