I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
