I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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