I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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