bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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