Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
