I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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