end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
wanna go halves on a baby?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize