im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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