***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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