my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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