Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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