It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
