May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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