Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
