my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
