Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
