John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
