and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
