I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
