Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
