No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
