He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
