You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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