Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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