Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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