So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
