Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize