Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
