Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
