yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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